How to Completely Suck

I currently hate my Account Team. I hope they all rot in hell and die.

Here’s some tips if you’re a BDA and don’t want your Client to wish the same:

1. Don’t question my budget. HELLO, I want to spend money. It’s not coming from your initial budget. You’re telling me you don’t want “free” money?
2. Don’t refuse to make tracking tags for me. To me, this is never in your best interest. It’s especially not a good idea when the Client knows how to do this themselves and truly understands how easy and fast it can be done. Moreover, remember that little layoff thing we’re doing right now? Yea… I’d be generating tags left and right and bending over backwards to kiss my Client’s ass. But, hey, that’s just me.
3. If you’re pitching a new media buy, here’s some things to include in the initial email: Publisher, what type of media it is, the cost and what I’m getting for that cost. You know, just the basics. If you want to throw in what the targeting is, that would be helpful too. It shouldn’t take FOUR emails and several days to get this information. You clearly did not think before sending these emails. I ask the SAME questions every time. Why haven’t you figured out what those are and PROACTIVELY answer them.
4. Don’t lie. Don’t lie about availability. Don’t lie about performance and don’t lie about CPM cost. I personally know all the publishers you work with. How come they have availability when I call? In case you didn’t realize it, I understand the raw numbers. In fact, I think I can read the reports better than you. Either that or you never look at them. For once, I’d like you to point out when something is strangely tanking or a tag clearly fell off. As for the “special” CPMs you got? Yeah, I got that price too when I called the main line.
5. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, update my creative. Hell, I did the hard part and had them created. All you have to do is upload, turn off the old ones and turn these on. I know how long this takes too… maybe 10 minutes. It’s been seven months and you still don’t have them right. Shit, at this rate it’s faster to get a print buy updated.
6. Be a team player. Ummm we have this “little” event tomorrow. EVERY other department is busting their asses to get things updated, special creative completed, etc. So far, EVERY other department has miraculously accomplished what needed to get done (somebody somewhere loves me). So why can’t your team???? It’s not like I sprung this on you out of the blue. I’m going to completely lose it if my stuff doesn’t go live because you’re pouting and don’t want to play nice. I’m also going to fire you on the spot… my little promotion gives me the power to actually do this all by my lonesome, not just threaten it